Me, Myself, & I

Being single doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re strong enough to wait for what you deserve.
— Niall Horan

Waiting. Patience. Timing. Words I once loathed. Once upon a time, settling was better than waiting. What I wanted was real, deep, 1 Corinthians 13 love. But what I settled for was surface, hollow, meaningless love. (Insert sarcasm here, due to the fact that calling love hollow & meaningless is like calling rain dry).

A line from one of my recent poems, “Life”, best explains my old thought pattern:

I will snag potential suitors only suited for me
If insides match every item on checklist
He came along, I altered my checklist
We didn’t get along, he was still on my checklist.
— Porsche Kelly

I had standards in place. There were things I would never compromise, my non-negotiables. But my deep longing for the hand holding, the forehead kisses, the Facebook & Instagram likes, & the relationship status overshadowed my needs.

I sacrificed what I KNEW God wanted me to have in His timing in order to satisfy voids that were only filled temporarily in my timing.

So that checklist I had, filled with things I absolutely needed from my significant other that were set in stone, became a piece of paper with eraser & scribble marks. “It’s ok” & “I’ll just deal with it” &, my favorite, “just pretend it didn’t happen” were teddy bear like phrases I’d hold onto at night to keep it together. Mix that with droplets of pride that helped me maintain the facade to the outside world that I was happy & enjoying life & ta da! You had a broken soul who was willing to let her heart be stabbed over & over if it meant not being single.

5 years of being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, used, & everything my original gold plated checklist wouldn’t allow; yet & still, I’d bought my venue, my wedding dress, my invitations, my decorations, all of it. Two of my closest friends were nearing engagement & I just HAD to beat them. There goes that pride again. Yuck. I just couldn’t face the embarrassment my mind convinced me would arise if I faced the truth.

But why? Why would I allow this? Anyone who knows me knows I don’t stand for injustice. I am THAT person who will stay on hold for 30 minutes while calling corporate for a complaint. (Don’t judge me). I was especially that “uh uh, girl walk away, God has better for you” person. So why couldn’t I take my own advice? Why would someone, as strong & independent as I was, endure such madness? The same reason we all settle: identity crisis.

I didn’t know who I was. People encouragingly told me. I was prophesied over. God spoke to me. But the problem was I didn’t BELIEVE it. I didn’t fully understand who I was & what my value & worth were. A person who sells a 2016 Porsche convertible for $1,000 clearly does not know its worth. THAT was my problem.

I was selling myself short because I didn’t know my worth. I depreciated my value. It wasn’t until I allowed God to move in my life by removing what was suffocating me, 1 month before my wedding, that my eyes were opened to the truth: that I was fearfully & wonderfully made & deserved to be treated as such. Almost 2 years later, I have now found my true identity in Christ & LOVE being single, not only because I see that I don’t NEED a man, but because I can take this time to get closer to God. “Single” is no longer a word that makes me cringe because I realize who I am cannot be found in another person.

You don’t walk away to prove your worth. You walk away because you allowed someone else to dictate your value & you found yourself believing it.
— Shannon L. Adler

Moral of the story, if you are in a season of singleness, understand this: You have to understand & appreciate who you are alone. A relationship should complement, not dictate who you are.

It may seem cliche, but timing is everything. Waiting. Patience. Timing. Words I now adore.

 

Porsche Kelly

Author and Owner of The Poetic Activist

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